In perpetual pursuit of making sense of un-randomizable world.
Dwarfing my petty existence further to the point of making it indistinguishable from the complete oblivion by belatedly joining the Lookback movie spam bandwagon.
However,
Life is good and it gets better, that I am sure of.
専ら最近の関心事といえば、…
「如何に余生を平和に過ごすか？」「今世は楽しかったな、来世はもっと楽しくなると良いな。」などなど。
なーんて、マトモな来世は到底迎えれないであろうド畜生の存在をここまで許容していただいてきた全てに感謝。
それでも免罪符をた—んっと集めなればならんので、まだまだフレッシュで頑張ります。
インシャアラー。
出国（帰国？）がここまで辛いとは思わなんだ。
そんな五七五では収まりきらない思いの丈を詠みます。…
ーーー
頂いた
元気と笑顔を
源に、
「まだ頑張れる。」
って思えたの。
だから、来てよね
カタールに。
来たら分かるさ。
これホント。
甲斐性無しの
オイラでも、
有給使って、
やってやる。
おもてなしの
倍返し。
ー字余りー
要はこのポスト
最後の2行を言いたいがために見切り発車しただけ。
駄作の上に、柄にもなく明るい詩を詠んでしまった。
カタール自体を目的地にする事はお勧めしませんが、トランジットで寄る際はぜひお知らせ下さい。最大限案内させていただきます。
帰国中は結婚イベント出席や、住所転出届を出したことで今更になって、将来の人生設計が不安になってきております。
また、様々な方々との再会を果たし、ほっこりしたものの、一時帰国は病みつきになりそうなので、当分自粛したいと思います。
Qatar National Dayのお祭り騒ぎの中で、伴侶(候補)がいない師走の寒さが身に染みている摂氏15度前後の社会人1年目の冬でした。
I am glad to have realized that people and sceneries in Tokyo have not changed much in the mere space of 9 months. As expected, I am also still as clueless and gullible as I used to be, and have enjoyed the privilege of extended juvenescence to the full extent.
The reminiscent sentiment was so intense that it would take me a while to get over it, nonetheless.
The visual chronicle of a blunt life of a greenhorn who was transported to the city of ostentation with inchoate infrastructures, and still …being clueless.
May 2013
[5月初診]
ドーハでの生活も早一ヶ月。
某ヨットスクールばりのブートキャンプ式療法を用い、愚
刺激が多い日々ですが、一ヶ月にして若干の疲労感は否め
[Notes in June]
Having successfully, but not intentionally, failed to meet up with the expectations placed on me in terms of work performances, the workloads and mental pressure that had seemed ginormous in the last month, somehow seem manageable for now. The change has been so drastic that I am not sure whether I should celebrate or get disappointed.
Anyhow, the last 2 months has been long enough to transform the premonition I had: “I might not be able to flourish in the corporate world”, into a crystal-clear conviction. However, I wouldn’t let this realization hold me back, and at least I will try to minimize my helplessness so as not to affect work of others.
As for the private life, I have no life and I suppose this is how it should be for a clueless newbie who gets undeserved salary and fringe benefits, and contributes none: literally unblemished zero, to the increase of shareholder value of the company.
15 June 2013
[6月経過観察]
ADHDに関しては完治。寧ろ逆に振れて無気力具合が甚
僭越甚だしく綴りましたが、ほんとに大変な人から見たら
[Notes in July]
Contrary to my preference of being secluded from any off-the-job socialization, I have been obliged to attend with frequent outings or team building sessions with colleagues. Given the choice, I would probably somewhat distance myself from mingling with coworkers during non-office hours, but it has been pretty pleasant to have been around with the folks (of close age) from Japan. Self-imposed isolation seems to have been long enough for me to drop my pretense of being a social misfit. After all, I cherish being with people.
What I despise; however, when it comes to close interaction with people is that my flaws (too romanticized to call them as “foibles”) become plainly obvious and more accentuated in light of others.
This nagging disinclination of juxtaposing shabby myself next to the charms and graces of others, has been always around and prevented me from hopping onto social interplays that would have brought more serendipities otherwise.
All in all, this is the month I have come to recall the joy of getting in touch with people, and I dare to embrace all the troubles accompanying with it (at least for now).
28 July 2013
[7月経過観察]
人を避けがちなのは自分の欠点やしょーもなさが、人と接
Pictures on National Day (18-Dec)
Emir succession announced on 25 June 2013. National Holiday ensued. Youngest Emir ever among GCC countries at the age of 33.
君主交代で国民の祝日が急遽制定。新聞は祝辞のオンパレードだが、文言が一字一句違いなく同じなのは何だか味気ない。政府指定の雛型がある模様。
投げられた仕事の処理にあぐねてとりあえず後回し。アドバイスを頂戴しようにも,質問を聞くべき人も,内容も往往にして検討違いだから大抵怪訝な対応をされる。
聞くのが億劫になり小さい頭で問題も理解してないのに答えを捻りだそうとする。そんな中タスクがどんどん積もってって,殆どフリーズ。結局投げた人が尻拭いしてくれていて,それをCcで知った時の哀しさ。
そんな日が続き,振られる仕事量が明らかに減った。
フリーズに慣れてしまった処理スピードで緩くなったはずのワークロードも膨大に感じる。タブ開き過ぎた時のパソコンみたい。
何より一番の懸念は質問するのが億劫になってしまった事。
自分で抱えて,解らずスタックしてるのが一番非効率なのは分かっているものの,動けない一週間だった。
ただ、光明が差したのは、問題が解ってる人同士の話し合い(メールではなく)に同席すれば,よっぽど効率的に問題ととるべきアクションがクリアになるとわかったこと。
I’m not sure if this should be the first topic I bring it up since I moved to Doha.
Anyhow, the only locations I’ve been to thus far in Doha are: accommodation, office, the bay area and a ginormous shopping mall nearby.
There is a hyper-market (apparently that’s how it’s dubbed in the directory), in the mall and it has been playing a vital role in providing me the food and whatever necessities for living.
I didn’t go shopping often when I was in Japan as I didn’t need to. Over here, I got used to buy stuff in bulk over the weekend to prepare for the coming week, which is not necessarily a typical practice in Japan where people go shopping for multiple times/portions during a week.
The mega-market like this challenges my ingrained anti-consumerism psyche which has been fostered on the principle of “Mottainai”: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
Combined with my stingy prudence, this sense of Mottainai has been keeping me from spending my money on stuff that might be good to have, but not essential for living, knowing I would squander/ditch them at a certain point later. This has been my operating rationale that determined my actions.
Just as much as how accentuated my stinginess might seem, I have also taken actions based on a modus operandi that is conflicting to my economic benefits.
For instance, buying perishable goods at a supermarket has been one of the examples.
Recognizing that they dump profuse amount of expired products every day, I used to pick almost-spoiled products when it comes to buying perishable goods from the stack so that I could marginally contribute to the reduction of wasted products, however negligible it might be. Needless to say, this is more meant to assuage my frivolous self-worth than doing practical good, nonetheless.
By virtue of this self-righteous futile moralism, I bought a relatively damaged cabbage among other fresh ones today as well. As I prepared the dinner, the cabbage turned out to be further rotten inside, making the large portion of it inedible. I could have been more stoic, and cook it anyway, but didn’t, and the most of it went straight into the dustbin (By the way there is no separation of trash, or whatsoever at all in Qatar E.g. the cabbage was in the same bin where an empty glass bottle was in).
This is what happened, so what??
Let’s say, a whole cabbage was wasted, as opposed to the large portion of it, for the sake of simplification.
The half-spoiled cabbage would have been dumped anyway regardless of my decision to “rescue” it from getting simply dumped at the store (unless there would have been someone who is willing to eat it, which I doubt, especially considering my high tolerance against spoiled foods).
My ostensibly well-intended action has (and would have) made no difference in the outcome, which led me to imagine the alternative; I bought an immaculately spotless cabbage at the store instead. This would have given me the whole portion of cabbage, which would keep me from buying another cabbage until I consume it. On the other hand, the spoiled cabbage I actually bought will have been also dumped sooner or later at the store.
To make my point clear, let’s assume the storage/new order of the amount of cabbages at the store is adjusted based on the # of cabbages in excess: wasted and # of cabbages sold in the preceding month (or whatever measuring period).
Again, for the simplification, let’s assume that my purchase of a spoiled cabbage has made the numbers as follows: Wasted: 99 vs Sold: 101.
In contrast, in the hypothetical universe, in which I decided to buy a damage-less cabbage instead, the numbers would have been: Wasted: 100 vs Sold: 101.
You can see the # of wasted cabbages in the hypothetical universe would be more than the outcome of my decision today, and this would probably lead to the less storage/new order of cabbages in the coming months, reducing the amount of waste. More importantly, I would get a damage-less cabbage and my next purchase of the cabbage would also be deferred to the next occasion.
I am just too drowsy to reach the sensible conclusion, but in a nutshell, I have decided to abandon the self-imposed obsession with Mottainai, and will buy whatever undamaged perishable products from this time onward.
Period.
PS. The life in Doha has been stimulating enough to transform a previously ADHD: Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder patient (self-diagnosed) into a social hermit, so I would appreciate your Hi-Hallo.
Caveat: A random grossly sappy scribble below. Granted, this is partially meant for the silly attention-seeking purpose, but more of capturing what I feel at this moment for future reference.
I’m about to leave the city in which I was born and raised, and unlike previous cases, I am yet to know when I would be able to come back. This should serve as an excuse for getting nostalgic.
Looking back how things came about so far, the only consistency in my life has been inconsistency.
My fickleness and the lack of tenacity to stick it out, surely contributed to the spontaneity in my life.
Basically, I have let my life evolve as it drifts and the justifications for my decisions have been mostly concocted in hindsight.
Along the way, some people came into my life and many of them have walked away.
The reciprocal nature of human interactions doesn’t allow us to engage in every social connection that we have forged to the same degree.
My disinclination to sever social connections clearly exists, but my curiosity to explore things that I have yet to encounter is also real, at this another juncture of my life. The problem is they are inherently conflicting, if not incompatible.
I view a life is to strike out the balance between these two.
The growing sense of detachment and aloofness is not pleasant, but more often than not, my stupid laziness or external expediencies (under the pretense of being hectic) prevails over the effort to stay in touch. I should have put more effort in holding them tight and vivid.
However hard I try to defy, hypocrisy has been my survival instinct. It’s so entrenched to the point of making it impossible for me to ditch it. Because of this insecurity within, it usually takes long time for me to genuinely open up my mind to others, and the chances are that I would probably not be able to forge genuince social ties with others in the future (given how spontaneous I have become).
I recognize the self-aggrandizing effort of dramatizing my petty existence is negligible in the eyes of others and worth paying zero attention.
My tiny universe has been evolving around me, not anyone else.
The obsession with myself and the paranoia associated with will probably be around as long as I care to engage in the world/society under which I operate.
After having gone through the 15 months-long job search, I have finally got an offer.
Given my immaturity and gullibility, this could have been easily predicted, but I would be lying if I said the seemingly unending job search has not been tough.
Simultaneously however, the period has given me the acute sense of how much support I have been given over the course of my life and how merciful of you who have tolerated my petty existence.
I will be working in Doha from April onward, and will be there at least for a couple of years.
Those of you who are in Tokyo, let me catch you up face-to-face one last time if our schedules mesh, which is pretty difficult though, as I have to depart sometime in a few weeks.
So, let me know if you happen to drop by Doha sometime in the future. (Though I don’t think I can let you couchsurf as my accommodation will be provided by the company), but let me be your cordial host at there.
I would like to express my sincerest gratitude to all who have played a role in helping me realize how privileged I am to have encountered the people from all walks of life.
Thank you very much for all and hope you have been faring well in somewhere on the globe.
As a caveat, this might be just another transient reflection of my skewed perception toward life, and by no means organized or designed to get across any sensible messages. I just want to capture exactly how I feel before it fades away, and make it as my benchmark when I have to face similar circumstances.
Getting over the loss of someone close is always a challenge, especially because I’ve been fortunate to have only few experiences in this regard yet.
That happened to be my birthday this time. After having spent a cozily busy day, I logged into Facebook, expecting the inundation of birthday wishes with which I would have been ready to reply one by one otherwise, even knowing that’s just another tedious task for both sides (who sends and receives wishes). Utterly, out of the blue, it only took several messages before I stumbled upon a news of the tragedy that had befallen to my friend.
I don’t quite remember exactly how I felt at the initial moment, but skimming through the following messages with the same news, the hazy realization gradually sinks in.
It was and has been surreal. Recognizing that a person I had spent a memorable time with no longer exists, but it doesn’t feel any change had happened to my daily life, which continues to be characterized by slight ups and downs. This may be because of the geographical distance and the inversely proximate SNS presence, for good or bad. Particularly, I don’t like the fact that I have been quite functional in putting aside personal tragic news from my daily concerns that often nudge me to preoccupy myself with fulfilling time-sensitive agendas. Even after the night-long recollection of her upon the initial notification in the midnight, my life started as usual next morning except for the sleep-deprived mind. I was pretty much able to function normally, which seemed as if I hadn’t been unaffected at all and added up my self-disgust for prioritizing my daily agenda over a brief moment for commemorating the departed. 2 weeks has already passed since the news and I have been more and more consumed by my daily such and such, letting the memories fade in my mind.
Given the memories and inspirations she had bestowed upon my life, the loss should have been devastating, but there seems to be part of me who puts my day-to-day concerns above the loss. Simultaneously, knowing that at a certain point I have to get over, I don’t know when it should be, or whether I should “overcome” in the first place.
After all, the tragedies are so rife if I take a second to glance; all the while there are people dying out there for no apparent reason as well as insurmountable injustices that are beyond our control. Since the more proximate and emotionally invested the affected person is, the greater the loss is felt, I cannot deny that the loss of a person I have shared a greater time with evokes more emotions and commemoration than unidentified masses passing away across the globe everyday. Probably, this is because they are the ones who enriched my life more directly/visibly, thus my perceived gratitude and sense of loss should be accordingly greater. However, what bothers me is; after a while even the loss of someone close seems dwarfed by my daily preoccupations. No matter how hard I defy, “Myself” has been and will continue to be the prime concern for me, giving less regard for the deceased as the time progresses.
What I’m writing here might be just a disguised justification for sucking it up and moving on.
Granted, the sense of bereavement has been gradually ebbing, but I still have a feeling that cherishing silly moments of my life should be refrained. Perhaps, funeral is the threshold after which people might feel ok to move on, but being unable to attend it for the first time, I need some contemplation to replace the shared moment of commemoration.
I happen to be fortunate to have encountered only few losses, especially considering my age, but the chances would only grow as I get older.
It’s despicable to think that I might end up getting so accustomed/numb to seeing off the departed without paying the deserving tribute to them, but it’s likely that the loss felt for each pass-away will likely to diminish as I will have to face them more and more.
However over-sentimental and self-righteous I might be pretending to be, this is how I’ve been used to. Contemplation is futile when no action is accompanied, but that’s exactly what I excel at. And again, even in the face of bereavement, there is me whose preoccupations are centered around myself.
To alleviate this internal resistance, I will attempt to frame the concept differently, even though it is anticipated the egocentric view toward life would always stick around (what I’ve been dumping here is primarily for the sake of myself after all).
Since I am one of the privileged who have been relatively insulated from the miseries of life, and spending my life comfortably despite trivial grievances, there have always been nagging doubts against shrugging off others’ miseries and moving on. However, I seemed to have been too obsessed with not “shrugging off” others’ miseries just for the sake of making myself appear highly moral.
Given the irreversiblity of one’s death and pervasive misfortunes, getting caught up with what cannot be undone to the point of being unable to move on, is itself a miserable state neither side wants.
There is just so much that is out of my control, but I can still make things better incrementally. Simultaneously, it’s also true that at this moment I have little idea how I could take my part in giving back to the people who shaped me, nonetheless.
One thing I’ve been getting clearer is squandering opportunities by indulging in excessive reminiscence is not the optimal way for paying the tribute to the ones who have lost access to such opportunities.
The better alternative should be; embodying what they have inspired me by living my life to the fullest.
Leaving the definition of ‘fullest’ aside, this seems a much better way for commemorating and paying the respect for the departed and underprivileged whose presence had given me inspirations and remembrances.
As anticipated, It might have ended up becoming a pragmatic/feigned/incoherent justification for getting over the tragedy of others, but I firmly believe taking time for commemoration and condolences is something we should dedicate ourselves to when one passes away.
I did not want to let the mere passage of time to heal what has been emptied by her loss, so rather I dared to chronicle what I feel at this moment, and I hope this could serve as a reference point at which I can come back and keep myself going in the face of tough times so as to pass on what I’ve been inspired by her.
どうやら小生はハイカラなナウい言葉やコンセプトを軽視しつつも
（極端な）集中＋（それに見合わない中途半端な）選択＝惨事
プランＢはプランＡと同時並行してないとダメ、気付いた時には時
桜もそろそろ散る様相を見せる中、専売特許の哀愁ムードにどっぷ
やるべき事はやったつもりだけど、気持ちの面で、左うちわ扇ぎな
今の今まで能天気で増長することを許してもらっていたこと自体が
適度な危機感を持ちつつも、結局歩む道は一つで、どこにいこうが
多少の挫折はどんどん許容していきたいと思います。バカやって学
今後もPLAN DO CHECK ACTIONではなく
DO SEE PLAN DO DO DOみたいな感じなんだと思います、自分の人生、いつも手探り。
天気もいいので、気分転換に走りにでもいきます。