Following the tradition of 2014, no concrete goal will likely to be set as I seem to be incapable of retaining chunks of information larger than what I ate in the last immediate meal.
The decline in mental and physical agility has become more and more apparent to the point of making myself ponder over how to peacefully spend the rest of my life before fitting into the coffin, rather than looking forward to climbing up the corporate ladder, forming a loveable family, contributing to local community, etc.
Looking back this quarter-century-long incarnation, my life has been undoubtedly and undeservedly privileged, rewarding and entertaining, especially considering that I had long been a despicable brat who was nothing but a great detriment to society.
The only consistency in my life has been inconsistency, and that also exacerbated the enormity of troubles that I churned out (be it intentional or not). Despite sensing that being apologetic would never suffice for making up for the harms already generated, the self-deprecating disposition has been so ingrained by now that I don’t know what else to cling onto.
To a great extent, the deep-seated self-hatred and casually masqueraded cynicism have been the major drive and constituents of what I do. Though it was skewed, the purposefully miserable depiction/perception of the world and myself has equipped me with the sufficient shrewdness for charting social institutions that reward conformity and discretion. Despising whichever ugly part of myself (non-physically speaking) has become a psyche that has been instrumental in transforming myself from a social trash to a decent human being.
Lately however, as I have become relatively decent and sociable, there aren’t as many reasons for hating myself as I used to have. Besides, between spectrum of contentment and aspiration, I am leaning in the direction of contentment. Halfway through my twenties, I seem to have grown too tired and apathetic to despise myself.
Granted it is thankworthy for being content with my life, I firmly believe that indignation, inferiority, or negative forces are more powerful drives than virtuous causes when it comes to realizing aspirations. For this reason, I shall continue holding anger and resentment against whichever part of myself that deserves contempt so as to seek incremental betterment.
Given that the life provides no purpose or meaning for anybody unless they are set by ourselves, it is wiser and more fulfilling to identify some missions that we can devote our lives into. As I have been unable to identify what I would like the mission(s) to be in my life at this point, I can only remind myself with obscure notions rather than specific goals. For the time being, I blindly hope the pragmatic self-hatred and the facetious cynicism would at least help me stay being a decent social existence.
昨年は生まれてから四半世紀を迎えたわけですが、小生のようなドクサレタンカス野郎には分不相応に恵まれた25年間であったとしみじみ感じます。「植物の心のような人生」(と出来れば暖かい家庭を築く事）以外にこれ以上望む事はありませんが、ここ10年位最大の動力源であった「自己嫌悪」が明らかに枯渇してきました。憎んだり、怒ったりするのは非常に無駄な体力を消耗するし、若干の社会性を身に付けた自分を中々に嫌いになれなくなりました。
ただし、護るべきものがない今の状況では、天邪鬼な自分を突き動かす原動力はやはりマイナスのベクトルしかないので、もう少し自己嫌悪やら憤りを大切にしていきます。憤怒に塗れる事が出来るのは若者の特権であり、強みでもあるから、疲弊しきる前にもう少しだけ何かに憤慨していたい。