Caveat: A random grossly sappy scribble below. Granted, this is partially meant for the silly attention-seeking purpose, but more of capturing what I feel at this moment for future reference.
I’m about to leave the city in which I was born and raised, and unlike previous cases, I am yet to know when I would be able to come back. This should serve as an excuse for getting nostalgic.
Looking back how things came about so far, the only consistency in my life has been inconsistency.
My fickleness and the lack of tenacity to stick it out, surely contributed to the spontaneity in my life.
Basically, I have let my life evolve as it drifts and the justifications for my decisions have been mostly concocted in hindsight.
Along the way, some people came into my life and many of them have walked away.
The reciprocal nature of human interactions doesn’t allow us to engage in every social connection that we have forged to the same degree.
My disinclination to sever social connections clearly exists, but my curiosity to explore things that I have yet to encounter is also real, at this another juncture of my life. The problem is they are inherently conflicting, if not incompatible.
I view a life is to strike out the balance between these two.
The growing sense of detachment and aloofness is not pleasant, but more often than not, my stupid laziness or external expediencies (under the pretense of being hectic) prevails over the effort to stay in touch. I should have put more effort in holding them tight and vivid.
However hard I try to defy, hypocrisy has been my survival instinct. It’s so entrenched to the point of making it impossible for me to ditch it. Because of this insecurity within, it usually takes long time for me to genuinely open up my mind to others, and the chances are that I would probably not be able to forge genuince social ties with others in the future (given how spontaneous I have become).
I recognize the self-aggrandizing effort of dramatizing my petty existence is negligible in the eyes of others and worth paying zero attention.
My tiny universe has been evolving around me, not anyone else.
The obsession with myself and the paranoia associated with will probably be around as long as I care to engage in the world/society under which I operate.